Cade is just past 8 weeks and I 'm still processing through his birth. Planning a C-section was never the original plan but after some serious conversations with my midwife the conclusion was it was probably the best plan. We made the wisest decision we could with the information we had. Labor is far different with a c-section as opposed to a natural birth. Being the birth hippie I am I was ready and wanting another all natural birth...my 2nd VBAC. But, that just wasn't in the cards this time around. I would say that the labor process was maybe a bit more mental with a c-section although a natural birth comes with much needed mental focus. But deciding to have a c-section was difficult and it took me time to wrap my mind around the fact that this baby was going to have a much different start to life than I had planned. However, part of any type of birth means choosing what is best and doing it without fear. I wouldn't say that I wasn't afraid of having a c-section (I was TERRIFIED!) but I made the decision without fear, without regret, and without feeling like a failure.
So...I'll do my best to recall all the details whether you want them or not. I don't want to forget any of them and maybe, just maybe Cade will someday want to know about his first few hours of life. Grandmas and Grandpas, get yourself a cup of coffee and settle in. I have a lot to say and a healthy collection of beautiful pictures.
It's no secret that pregnancy was awful. And as the end drew near it seemed worse since I was anxiety ridden about birth. I had a feeling in my gut there was a very real possibility this birth wasn't going to go as I had planned. I think part of my anxiety stemmed from Aiden's traumatic birth and even though Sage's birth was beautiful and every thing I wanted, I didn't really want to experience a hemoglobin level of 6 and have another blood transfusion. We knew Cade was somewhat big. At 35 weeks his estimated weight was 7 lbs 6 oz. The size of Cade in and of itself didn't worry my OB or midwife so I tried not to let it worry me. There was evidence that I could deliver a good sized baby. However, I really felt Cade was in a poor position for birth. Babies can and certainly do turn during labor but I had two previous labors with babies in unidealistic positions. I told my midwife my concern and she agreed that Cade's head was not engaged with my cervix and that his spine was by my back instead of in front like we hoped. At my 39 week appointment it was decided that I would come back in 3 days after having time to think about what I wanted to do. My midwife was still supportive of a natural birth but supportive of a c-section if I felt that was best. By Monday morning I had made up my mind to schedule a c-section. Even though I was terrified of surgery and would much rather labor drug free than be cut open, I couldn't make peace with a natural labor. I decided my mother's intuition was directing me and my mother's intuition is rarely wrong. When I went to see my midwife on Monday morning she had already scheduled my c-section for the next morning. She said she knew that was what I would choose and she said she agreed with it being the best choice. As she listened to Cade's heart beat that morning she said he sounded very distant which was a sign he was not where he needed to be.The silver lining in this whole ordeal is that the OB I had been consulting with and really liked was going to be the one doing the surgery. And the best part of all was that my midwife would be her assistant. My midwife rarely scrubs for surgery so this was special and gave me so much peace!
With the surgery being set Tom went to work after our appointment to tie up loose ends and I went home to do the same. Even though a c-section wasn't my first choice, it did give me peace. Typically I would spend the day of my midwife appointments in tears over ridiculous fears, but that day I felt peace so I knew I had made the right choice. As peaceful as I was, I still didn't sleep that night. My parents arrived about 10:30 that night so they could stay with the boys. I laid on the couch and prayed and tried to distract myself with Netflix movies. Morning seemed to never come yet it felt all too soon when Tom came and said we needed to get ready. We left the house around 5:15 AM and had a quiet drive to the hospital. We arrived at our check in time of 5:30. We checked in at the labor and delivery nurses station and I don't think it was until then that it really sunk in that I was going to be holding my baby very soon. There were babies sitting with the nurses as they were charting and I looked at Tom and said, "We're going to have our baby!!!"
We checked in and they took us to our room. The nurses came in to prep me for surgery and I was pretty anxious. All the nurses throughout our stay were wonderful except for one of the surgery prep nurses. Not only did she have to call in another nurse to find Cade on the heart monitor, but she had to call in another nurse to put in my IV because she failed twice. I HATE needles. IV's are awful and failed attempts at IV's hurt. Anyway, that nurse was not present in the OR so all is well that ends well. My doula, Mandi, arrived around 6 and I was so glad to see her. She gives such great support to Tom and I. Mandi hung out with us, took some pictures, and made sure I had lots of lavender oil to help me relax. When prep was finally finished it was time to walk to the OR. I remember that walk pretty vividly. I was already getting tons of fluids via IV so I walked to the OR dragging all that tubing with me. As I was walking I really, really wanted to turn around and run away and I actually had to tell myself that this baby has to come out and I have no other choice than to have surgery and face the operating room with a brave front. And I think that is the labor part of a c-section for me. Facing my fears and mentally and emotionally making it through surgery. There is some sadness that comes with a c-section. For me, it's not the easy way out. I didn't have joy in planning a c-section and all the convenience that some people believe a c-section provides doesn't really matter to me.
In a natural birth, the moment your baby is born is amazing after your body has done all that work. It feels so good to be drug free and aware of what's going on and be able to catch your baby. C-sections don't bring quite the same climax and they do bring risks that some don't consider. I know I made the right choice,and the less risky choice in this situation, but I still carried some sadness over the loss of a natural birth. However, the end goal is a healthy baby and I knew in my heart this was the right path.
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| Mandi Arrives! |
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| Surgery prep. |
Tom and Mandi couldn't come into the OR until I was fully ready for surgery to begin. That meant I had to endure getting a spinal by myself. Thankfully my midwife was already there and she was with me while the anesthesiologist did his job. Now, the anesthesiologist was good at his job. I didn't feel a thing when he put the needle in my spine. But he was a very direct man and I'm certain he was void of any feeling. He was very serious, barked orders and expected total compliance. I was a nervous wreck by this point and I remember his voice clearly. He told me that he didn't want to have to give me something to calm me down because then it would effect my memory and I wouldn't remember my baby as clearly. Calming down and following all his orders was difficult and I remember him sternly saying, "You have got to calm down. Your heart rate is 160!" I made a really honest effort after that to be calm. Thankfully, Tom and Mandi were able to come in about that time and Tom sat right at my head and put headphones in my ears so I couldn't hear what was going on. The room was full of medical staff all with a specific job to do and I'm very thankful for the nurse anesthetist who was a very, very sweet man and brought some comic relief and lots of compassion. He almost made up for the lack of caring by the anesthesiologist. His jokes helped me take some deep breaths which helped my heart slow down a little. At this time the spinal had taken effect and I was numb from my chest down but was having a hard time holding my arms still so they could get an accurate blood pressure. The feeling of being numb is one I remember from Aiden's birth and I HATED it. You can't feel yourself breathing even though you are. I was short of breath anyway and not being able to feel yourself breath is the worst. Anyway, eventually the anxiety won out and the anesthesiologist gave me some medicine to help me calm down. And honestly he probably regretted it so the joke is on him. That medicine made me so dizzy and foggy that I complained even more. The whole room was tipping and it hurt to open my eyes and I was not happy about it. The good news is that while I was freaking out my OB and midwife were busy working and I was going to meet my sweet baby very soon.
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| See the clock? Cade is just minutes from being born. It's almost 8:02! |
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| This is after the medicine that made me dizzy. I started (or continued rather) to fall apart. Thankfully, Cade was almost here and he was a welcome distraction! |
Aiden's c-section was kind of urgent and it moved really fast. This time around the midwife told me that she and the OB would be taking their time. I was still in and out of the OR in an hour, but it felt much longer. Finally I felt lots of tugging and pulling and Cade was born. Everyone in the OR was really excited and I remember hearing his first cry. Tom said, "Jenny! Listen! That's your baby!" The midwife brought him over right away so I could see him. It was hard to look because I was so dizzy but I remember seeing all of his really dark hair and being so surprised! I had just told Tom the week before that I thought it would be really fun to have a baby with hair. Lo and behold my littlest baby is my first baby that wasn't born bald! The OR is FREEZING cold so after I saw him they put him in the warmer to quickly weigh him and wrap him up. It was comforting because as Cade was born everyone agreed that a c-section was the right choice. He was in a very tricky position when the doctor pulled him out and his head was quiet big (15 cm). Everyone exclaimed about his size when he weighed in at 9 lbs 6 oz (which is just 2 ounces bigger than what my midwife guessed he was). After they weighed him and wiped him off Cade's nurse brought him over to me and laid him skin to skin on my chest. Thankfully doctors don't separate Mamas and babies anymore so I got to hold him right away. They try to make C-sections as gentle and as natural as possible which I think is wonderful. Sadly, being really numb and dizzy makes it hard to have a baby on your chest so I didn't hold him long but at least I have a memory of holding him for the first time. The doctor told me she was just going to stitch me up and then I'd be on my way to recovery. I hated that table so much I told her to hurry up and not to worry about what the scar looked like because I just wanted to be done.
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| Here he is! You all get to see Cade's first seconds of life. My midwife is the one standing by herself and the OB is directly across from her. |
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| My midwife brought Cade over so I could see him right away. I LOVE this picture. I gave my midwife a copy and she loved it too. |
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| 9 lbs 6oz |
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| And finally I got to hold my sweet little Cade! |
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| Cade's nurse held him when I couldn't. I wish I could give this picture to her. She was so sweet and I was glad she was there to take care of Cade. |
After I was all stitched and stapled I was taken to recovery. Originally I was supposed to recover in my room, but the medicine made my blood pressure drop so I was taken to recovery for about an hour. I was dizzy and my mind was foggy so I have inaccurate memories of my time there. I think I was even hallucinating a bit because I remember wondering why my bed was surrounded by ice. I probably thought that because I remember shivering and being really cold. But, the nurses were very nice, despite the fact that I whined about being thirsty the whole time. They were also reassuring and kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me, it was just the medicine that made my blood pressure low and it would just take some time to normalize. They never left my side until I was ready to be taken to my own room. Because Cade was big he had to eat right away so before I left the OR Cade's nurse asked if I preferred donor breast milk or formula. I think it's so great that hospitals can now offer donor breast milk so thats what I chose. Tom gave Cade his first feeding and he said it was a really sweet, yet sad moment because I wasn't there. Thankfully Mandi was there with him giving him support and taking lots of pictures so I didn't miss out entirely. I think one of the sweetest things about Cade's birth (and this goes for all the boys' births) is that Tom was by my side the whole time. As I went back through the pictures Tom was always there holding my hand. And Tom was the one to take care of our little babies when I couldn't. He was there for Aiden when he was in the NICU and I couldn't be and he was there for Cade while I was in recovery. He is such a great Daddy and it melts my heart how deeply in love he is with our newborns. It makes me love him even more.
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| Cade's first feeding. I'm so, so glad that Mandi was with us. She was there in the OR talking to me to help me calm down and there to capture pictures so I didn't miss out. I'm so glad she's also a nurse and that she can watch surgery, take pictures, and not be squeamish. I can't imagine giving birth without her. These pictures are such a gift. |
Waiting for the medications from the C-section to wear off took awhile. I finally started feeling more normal around dinner time, but that day was hard as my body tried to normalize itself. I know the medicine made me grumpy (Tom told me so) and not myself but I was still able to hold Cade and start breastfeeding right away. I'll be honest, Cade was probably 12 hours old before I really started to like him. It's another thing that makes me sad about a C-section. After Sage's birth I was happy, madly in love with Sage, and felt like I could conquer the world. C-section are different...I think it takes your body awhile to release all those good hormones like oxytocin (the bonding hormone) so I didn't feel all that great the first day. Nonetheless, Cade and I still got to spend lots of time snuggling in bed.
I recently read
this article and it brought me to tears. I think the writer says just about everything I couldn't. Even though I had to have my time to mourn my ideal birth, I know I made the right choice. And even though I had major surgery this has been my easiest recovery by far. It helped having the OB and midwife both say that a c-section was the right choice for Cade. No matter how you choose to birth you still labor, in some way, shape, or form. And even though the day of the C-section I felt more like the world conquered me than me conquering the world, I felt like I was really brave. I always tell the boys that being brave doesn't mean you aren't afraid. It means that you do the right thing even though you're still really scared. That's what Cade's birth was...doing the best thing for Cade and me despite me fears and desires. My prayer had always been that this time around I would have an uneventful birth. I prayed everyday that birth and recovery would be easy. I didn't imagine God would answer with a c-section. But isn't that just like God? He didn't answer in the way I thought, but he gave me strength to make it through and even though the c-section wasn't easy it was uneventful. I had no medical complications or worries and recovery (although not pleasant, it never is) was easier than it ever has been. I look in awe at that little baby that God knit together inside of me. Cade is here and we're both healthy. Every night I 'm blessed enough to tuck the boys in and snuggle into bed with Tom next to me and Cade in his co-sleeper on the other side. God is good and we are happy. Cade, your birth story is nothing short of a beautiful answer to prayer. We love you...welcome to your family.
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